iClint™

During a recent gruelling brainstorming session for the track listing on my debut album, I hit upon an incredible invention: the iClint™, a personal music system for the discerning music fan (click on the link above for a larger image). Composed of a cassette player that doubles as a mask to wear either to masquerade balls or to the opening night of any of Andrew Lloyd Webber's musicals, the iClint™ comes fully equipped with an authentic CBD wig, a microphone for extra interaction, a necklace, a pair of headphones courtesy of British Airways, a power source that doubles as a drink dispenser, two complimentary wristbands and an optional fake Pat Cash chequerboard headband as well.

I am currently negotiating the wordwide rights for this machine, which will only play my albums. I expect however that units should begin to hit the shelves sometime after the release of "Never Go Ashtray", now scheduled for 2008. By then, the hype over these so-called 'digital music players' should have calmed down and people will be ready to return to the good old days of fan loyalty. I mean, who wouldn't be into wearing an iClint™ out to the theatre? Please direct any enquiries either to myself or to Enya, via her international web portal. Also, please respect my copyright - I have slaved long and hard to produce this prototype, which is naturally in full working order.

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Etiquette for CATS Fans

It's about time someone spoke up about the appalling way in which CATS fans behave sometimes. I found the following advice on the wonderful Cats Musical website and I urge ALL fans of CATS to HEED it.

Because of the popularity of the video and so many new theatre fans that Cats attracts, a gentle reminder of how to behave at the show is needed. Some of these are pretty basic, but they need to be addressed. This is intended for Cats fans attending shows in the US, UK, and possibly Germany. The costuming sections doesn't apply to Budapest or Japanese venues as I don't know the customs there.

1) It is best if you do not sing along with the cast. It can throw cast members off and it is distracting to the people around you. Remember people sitting in the audience paid a lot of money to hear the cast sing -- not some fan. (NOTE: "Mouthing-along" the words to the songs is without a consensus. Some cast members find it distracting, some don't mind it and it may potentially lead to a "staring contest." If you sit away from the stage you may get away with it.)

2) Do not dance in the aisles. Do not make dancing motions in your seat. This is very distracting to the cast members onstage as well as to others around you.

3) Excessive talking, screaming, or squealing isn't proper and is distracting to the cast and audience members around you.

4) It's not considered proper theatre etiquette to got to a show dressed as members from the show -- [but] this is theatre etiquette for Cats fans and it is generally acceptable to go to the show in costume. However, there are some things to consider when attending the show in costume:

a) Be prepared to remove your wig to allow those behind you to see. You may want to ask those behind you if they want you to remove it. (Even if you are short or you wig is small--do this, it's a matter of courtesy.)

b) Do not sign autographs for members of the public who think you are in the cast. It is best to explain to them that you are not a member of the cast and that you are flattered by them mistaking you for one.

c) At one point in time on Broadway the dance captain instructed the cast not to interact with audience members in costume. This was because she felt costumers were distracting to others in the audience. (NOTE: The dance captain is now involved with many regional productions in the US.)

d) Sometimes Cast members do like costumers. I remember sitting next to a group of three costumers at one of the final tour shows in Michigan. They got a lot of attention from an appreciative Cast. Just remember that it's not always guaranteed or liked by everyone.

5) Cell phones, beepers, pagers,etc.. SHOULD ALL BE TURNED OFF. If you're a doctor (etc.) on call use the vibrate function. NEVER talk on the phone in the theatre once the show has begun.

6) Flash Photography is a matter of safety at the show -- the cast do back flips, jumps, and other dance feats -- it's not just a matter of copyright. It's a matter of safety.

7) If you do happen to be able to correspond via the internet with a cast member after a show it's best not to ask the performers if s/he remembers you. They see a full audience every night and it is assuming a bit too much on their parts to ask if they remember one person specifically from the stage door.

Bravo. We need more of this kind of advice in these troubled times.

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Never Go Ashtray

Today I began work on what will, I am sure, eventually come to be known as the greatest album I will ever record. Its prospective title is "Never Go Ashtray", a quite clever pun on "Never Go Astray", a mantra I repeat to my hair in the mirror each morning. The album is in fact a concept album about my hair. For those of my fans who are unfamiliar with my early work, I first began writing songs about my facial features (including my divine Starlight Express style makeup) as a response to Enya's classic album Watermark. Ever since its release back in the 1980s I have been engaged in a one-way dialogue with the gorgeous Ms Enya, a dialogue that has led me to the conclusion that one day we will collaborate on a record of mock-epic proportions. Indeed, I am so enamored of this talented songstress from Erin that I intend at least one of the songs on my album (perhaps an unlisted track at its conclusion) to be a tribute to her hair. Other ladies whose hair I wish was my own include Dame Judi Dench, Olivia Newton John and the girl in Run Lola Run. But enough about these divas of the stage and screen. My album will be a series of songs about every aspect of my hair: its Tina Turner style, its gorgeous concrete blonde colour and, most importantly, the difficulty I have keeping it all together. Enya, if only you knew how long it takes me to get my hair just right, you would perhaps respect me even more. As it is, I can't get through the day without listening to "Orinoco Flow" at least once, in the hope that it will inspire in me greater things. So far, however, I have only got as far as a track listing for my album, a necessary first step you would agree, Enya. Soon enough it will be time to record the songs, choose the album cover artwork (I already have a fair idea of the portrait of myself I wish to use) and, of course, the film clips. I want to go ten singles deep on this one. Everyone talks about difficult third albums. Well, all I've got to say is that you people should try a first album sometimes. It's not as easy as it looks, is it Enya? I of course admired your work in Clannad and that band did surely suffer from your decision to go solo. But I believe it was the right decision, Enya. Look at how your career has blossomed! I loved your song in The Lord of the Rings! My, my - I did have panda eyes after hearing that. Luckily for me I was in a darkened cinema and could use facial wipes to rid my complexion of my tear stains. I did, however, miss the rest of the movie in my attempt to recreate the look that had taken me so long to assemble that morning, as you know, Enya. Never mind, I told myself, I'll just concentrate on getting the album finished in time for Christmas. There has to be a Christmas song on the album, don't you think, Enya? Something about my hair, and about Christmas trees. I know: "I'm dreaming of a white bleach job, just like Tina Turner in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome ..." Wow, that's a terrific start. I feel it coming together. People will see me and cry.

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You Wanted It - You Got It

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